Dumb Personified via Frodo Baggins
by Oddwen Floddball
Summary: Frodo is clueless, Gandalf is preoccupied, and Harvey is...there. I revived it! Yahoo!
1. Bilbo kills Gandalf, Frodo leaves with H...

Just a story I wrote in my spare time, completely random and unthought-out.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Narrator: The earth is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the air. I smell it in the earth. Much that once was, is lost, for someone forgot about it. (flash flashy title) A long time ago, the bad guy made a bad thing, and good guys made good things. The good things weren't good enough. But the bad guy lost his bad thing, and a good guy was made into a bad guy. But then he was made into a dead guy, and the bad thing was lost. It was found ages later by another bad guy, and the bad guy forgot everything and lived under a mountain. Then a good guy found the bad thing, and he took it to his good place. Then, a while later, the good place was invaded by a wizard.   
(fade in fadey music) A young hobbity man is hiding from everything reading a stupid book. He hears singing. He tries to run away from the terrible noise, but instead of having brains he has blue eyes as big as saucers so he runs towards the noise. He does not realize his mistake until he rounds a small hill, and underneath is a cart with a horse in front of it, wheels under it, and bundles in the back. (Oh yeah, and a guy driving.)  
"You're late," the twerp said, for a loss of what else to say.  
The wizard jumped. "Harumph! A wizard is never late, Dumbo Babbling!"  
"Frodo Baggins, I think," corrected the pale freak.  
"Harumph! Get on, we're going to see Bilbo."  
Frodo jumps on the cart, but misses and falls off the other side. Gandalf grabs him by the shirt and sits him on the seat.  
"How is the old geezer these days? I hear his birthday is going to be something magnificent! Harumph!"  
"How I wish," said Frodo. "He just rambles on about his book, and how many presents he's going to get. He's only inviting people for the presents. Including me."  
"Harumph! How lovely!" The wizard had heard not a word the hobbit had said, but instead was thinking of his hat.  
"I was abducted by space aliens yesterday!" said Frodo changing the subject.  
"Harumph!"  
"And I made a cake, and I made a plaster mold of my head," he is counting on his fingers.   
"Harumph!"  
"And I made a hit list, and you're on it, and..." He babbles on until Gandalf shoves him out of the cart and rushes off as fast as the horse can go.  
"You're it!" shouted Frodo. "I tagged you!" He shrugs and goes skipping off.  
Gandalf pulls up to Bag End. He bangs on the door with his head, since he says 'harumph' instead of using his brain.  
"Open up, in the name of the law!" he shouted kicking the stone bench.  
"Gandalf! You again?" shouts Bilbo, wrenching open the door. "How many times do I have to tell you to stay away from me? You just can't sneeze at a restraining order, you know!"  
"Hahaha, always the joker!" laughed the wizard. "Harumph, now, what about lunch?"  
"No!" shrieked Bilbo, shoving him out the door, or trying to. Frodo popped his head in. "Hello, unble Bilco!" he cried. "What'cha doin'?"  
Bilbo succeeded only in falling onto the floor, while the wizard flew into the kitchen and started raiding the pantry. "Harumph! Well, we've cold chicken, liver pie, apple tart, butter scones, oh wait! You're all out! Well, cheese, eggs all kinds of things...Bilbo? Bilbo?" he looked around consternatedly.  
Bilbo, with a bloodcurdling yell swings over on the chandlier and kicks the wizard in the head with a rather large foot. The wizard's eyes glazed, and a delightfully oblivious expression overshadowed his face. With a barely audible yet surprized 'harumph' he slumped to the floor.  
"You killed him!" said Frodo.  
"Yes, my lad, I did. And now I've got to leave. One can't kill even a wizard nowadays without someone getting riled up." So saying, he grabbed a few random things and flew out the door. Frodo just stood there, staring with a huge grin on his face. His line of sight went from the wizard to the door, over and over again.  
Meanwhile, a fellow named Sam, who had but one talent in life, which was being useless, burst in the door. "I heard some yelling an hour or two ago!" he shouted. "What was it?" Frodo grinned at him, and looked from him to the wizard and back again, over and over. Sam just stared from Frodo's face to the pie on the table, back and forth.  
Meanwhile, another dim-witted fellow, this time named Merry, was up in a tree waiting for someone to come along the road to throw an apple at. Unfortunately, folks saw his bright yellow vest from miles away and steered clear. Also he was facing away from the road. He giggled expectantly. Another fellow came to the bottom of the tree and shook his head sadly.  
"Merry," he called, "When will you ever learn?"  
"Aww, Pip," said Merry, tumbling out of the tree. "It was just a bit of fun! Harvey made me do it!"  
"Merry, please. Enough with Harvey. You know perfectly well that there are no six foot tall, purple polka dotted invisible rabbits running around."  
"Don't say that in front of Harvey! You'll hurt his feelings!" He stood on his very tip-toes and "fed" a bite of apple to his invisible friend. Pippin twiched slightly. "Come, Merry. We are going to visit Frodo. It's Bilbo's birthday, after all."  
"Goody!" shrieked Merry. "I'll give him an apple!" he showed Pippin the slimy, half eated brown apple. "I only dropped it once!"  
Pippin closed his eyes for a moment. It was hard, sometimes. He often thought with despair that he might be the only person in the world with any brains, instead of just the whole shire.  
Arriving at Bag End several hours later, (Harvey kept wanting to look at the flowers) they saw that the door was wide open.  
"I wonder," muttered Pippin. They peered in the door. They saw the backs of two hobbits as they looked from one another, a grandfather clock, a pie, a grey lump on the floor, and other various objects. "What are you doing, and why wasn't I invited?" wailed Merry.  
Frodo grinned. "Look at what buncle Wilbo got!" he said pointing to the wizard on the floor. "I'm gonna have him stuffed and mounted on the door!"  
"Cool!" yelled Merry and Sam. Pippin walked up to Gandalf.  
"I'm afraid you can't stuff him, Frodo." The other hobbits gave him angry looks. "Now look!" shouted Sam. "You made Frodo cry, you party pooper! You wet blanket! Bad bad bad bad!"  
"What I was saying," continued Pippin, "You can't stuff him because he isn't dead!"  
"I could feed him a really big lunch," sobbed Frodo, who was very very sad.  
Gandalf sat up. "Harumph! Did someone say lunch?"  
"WAZZAAP!" shouted Merry. Pippin looked at him strangely. "Harvey said to say it."  
"Ooh, is Harvey here? Would he like some cheese?" Sam picked some up off the floor.  
"No! He's a rabbit." frowned Merry. "Pie, then?" said Frodo, wiping his eyes. "No. Well, wait a minute." Merry seemed to be listening to someone. "He says he gives the whole pie to me!" and with that, he grabbed the pie and ran out the door, yelling "Come on, Harvey!".   
"Harvey sure is selfish," sobbed Frodo, beginning to cry again. "Inkle Philbo wanted that pie for dinner!"  
Gandalf got up and smacked Frodo upside the head. "Your uncle has gone away! And he left you Bag End, and all of his junk."  
Frodo looked up and grinned. His eyes as big as dinner plates widened even more. "Really?" he said eagerly.  
"Frodo, don't do that with your eyes, please." said Pippin.  
"I daresay that the old dude left you that darned ring, too. Harumph. Don't use it! It's a very bad thing, made by bad guys. And it'll eat you, if you don't do as I say," said the wizard, shaking his finger sternly at the hobbit. "Now I've got to go see an obviously bad dude for no apparent reason. Tata!" And with that, the wizard stuffed all the food in the hole into his bag and ran off. He jumped into the cart, but unfortunately all the wheels fell off.  
"Harvey made me do it!" wailed Merry as Gandalf chased him up a hill.  
Sam and Frodo just stood there grinning. Pippin waved his hand in front of their faces.  
"I sure hope Ganflad brings us lunch," said Frodo. "Don't you, Phlbblamma?"  
"Sure," said Sam grinning fit to burst. Pippin left, to help Merry out of the well where Gandalf had thrown him.  
Gandalf had unhitched the horse from the cart, and was galloping as far away from the shire as he possibly could. On the way, he saw fire, and paper, and mountains. He came to somewhere, and he took his hat off. Saruman started yelling at him.  
"Gandalf!" he screamed. "I told you to bring Harvey! I see no Harvey! I desire his counsel for the dark days ahead!"  
"Harumph, relax!" said Gandalf. "I figured that no stupid six foot tall polka dotted rabbit could be as smart as me, so Here I am!"  
Saruman twiched his evil hands. Then he smiled weakly. "Let's take a walk, pal," he said.  
So that, while walking in the garden, with Gandalf babbling on and on about how wise he was, why, even ousting that silly Bilbo out of his hole, and warning Frodo of how the ring was going to eat him, that was when Saruman decided to be evil.  
"Ha!" shouted Saruman, turning to Gandalf, "I bet your pitiful little white council never thought to do this!" And with that, with the speed of a striking snake, from under his robes he produced some duct tape, taped Gandalf's mouth shut, also produced a board, which he set up like a see saw. He slammed Gandalf on one side of it, and jumped on the other, sending the other wizard high up into the air. He landed on top of the tower, and Saruman laughed in glee.  
Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, however, still in the shire, were celebrating. Something. I dunno. At the Green Dragon Inn. Merry was dancing on a table, with Harvey. (Or so he said.) All the other hobbits were cheering him on. With a final flourish, Merry jumped into Harveys' arms, but in doing so fell off the table. He gave the invisible rabbit a dirty look as he picked himself up off the floor. Pippin just shook his head and sipped his pint.  
Frodo stood there grinning, holding an armfull of full mugs. Staring at the wall. Blinking. And gurgling. Gross.  
A violent storm suddenly burst open all the windows and the door, and cows and chickens and cheese were flying everywhere.  
"I'll save you, Harvey!" shouted Merry. Pippin grabbed Merry, Sam and Frodo and ushered them to Bag End.  
"Well!" said Sam. "That was unusual!" He grinned at Pippin. "You got any pies?"  
"No! This isn't my house!" said Pippin.  
Sam's grin faded. "Are you going to eat us?" he said worriedly.  
Frodo started crying. Then he hiccuped. "I just remembered. I got a letter from finkle Bimbo. He wants his ring back." He waved the letter in all their faces. It was addressed from Rivendell. "Wanna go with me?"  
"Ooh, an adventure!" said Sam, his grin returning. He and Frodo stared at each other, and then the letter, over and over and back and forth.  
"Harvey and I would love to come!" said Merry. The three looked at Pippin.  
"You can come too," said Frodo, "I don't know what use you'll be, though." He grinned stupidly. "Oh, I'll come alright," growled Pippin.  
So the four set out. They went through a cornfield, and nearly got trampled by a scarecrow. In running from it, they fell off of a hill onto the road.  
"I think you should get off of me," said Frodo. The three ignored him and started bouncing up and down.  
"Get--off--of--me!" stuttered Frodo. He looked down the road and saw some big scary shapes.  
"EEEKK!!" he screamed, and started to cry. Sam stomped down the road.  
"Now look what you've done! You've made Mr. Frodo cry!" he shook his finger vigorously. "Bad bad bad bad!" The dark shapes hung their dark heads and slunk darkly away. The hobbits (minus Pippin, who just slunk behind) skipped along singing one of Gandalfs favorite songs.  
"Harumph harumph harumph  
harumph  
Harumph harumph harumph  
harumph  
harumph harumph  
harumph harumph harumph  
harumph harumph harumph harumph  
harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph  
harumph harumph harumph harumph  
harumph harumph harumph  
harumph harumph  
harumph  
ha-  
rum-  
ph"  
"Haaaaaaruuuuumph!" shouted Sam in way of a solo. The three giggled.  
"Harvey says we should sing it again!" shouted Merry.  
"Harumph harumph harumph..." they began, but soon noticed that it was dark.  
"Nooo!" shouted Frodo. "Hinkle Fumbo will miss us!" And began crying.  
The bad shapes started chasing them, and the hobbits jumped on a raft. The bad dark thing fell into the water.  
"Harvey says that the rest of the bad shapes won't cross, except for the Brandywine bridge, which is twenty miles." said Merry.  
"Really?" sniffed Frodo. Sam grinned at him. Frodo grinned back. "Thanks, Moofy."  
Pippin moored the boat and helped the others get off. "My pants are wet!" shouted Sam. He shook his finger at Pippin. "Bad bad bad bad!"  
Pippin ignored him, and they slogged to the town of Bree. They knocked on the door.  
"Let me handle this," said Pippin. A head answered them.  
"Goobly goo!" it said. "Hobbits, are that you?"  
"Yes!" said Pippin. "Please let us in, we are cold and wet and we need shelter!"  
"Hmm, I see," said the head. It opened the door, revealing that it had a body. "Welcome to Bree!"  
Frodo grinned up at the man. "Is it free?"  
Sam grinned at the man. "Dum diddley dee?"  
Merry grinned. "Harvey says 'I like pumpkin tree' and I say 'be all that you can be!'"  
Pippin glowered. "And I say come with me!" He grabbed his companions and dragged them through the streets till he came to the cleanest place he could find. It was the Prancing Pony.   
"Ooh, a pony!" squealed Merry, Frodo and Sam pointing at the sign until Pippin dragged them inside.  
At the desk, Pippin cleared his throat. A balding head appeared.  
"Hello!" it said.  
"Can I ride the pony?" said Frodo.  
"We need rooms," said Pippin.  
"Can I have your rug?" said Sam.  
"And dinner," continued Pippin.  
"Harvey likes your toupŽ," said Merry.  
"And a muzzle," muttered Pippin.  
Barliman grinned. Frodo grinned. Sam grinned. Merry said that Harvey grinned. Pippin grimaced.  
"I like you, Balfigmab Bublmlapp," said Frodo. "And I like the Praline Ponytail. Can I have it?"  
"You can have a seat!" said Barliman. "Wow, thanks!" gushed Frodo.  
Seated, drinking pints and eating cheese, Frodo was looking at his ring.  
"Harvey says that man's been staring at you all night, Frodo," said Merry.  
Frodo turned around and grinned. The man threw some cheese at him. Frodo grinned and caught it in his mouth and grinned wider.   
"Do it again!" he said. But he flinched as the man threw a stool at him, and the ring slipped onto his finger. Lound sounds and scary lights flashed. He started to cry. Then a scary voice started saying "B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!". Frodo screamed and jerked the ring off. He was under a table. He took a deep breath to scream again, this time at the top of his lungs when a hand grabbed him by the throat. The man snarled at him and threw him up the stairs.  
Frodo wimpered. "Shut up," said the man. "Who are you, I want my Haaaammmmmyyyy!!!" screamed Frodo. The man attempted to shut him up by putting fire out with his fingers, but only succeeded in burning himself.  
Three hobbits burst into the room. Merry with a candlestick, (aided by Harvey, of course. It was heavy.) Pippin with a barstool, and Sam in front armed only with his finger, shaking it and yelling "Bad bad bad bad!"  
The incorrigible bad dark guys attacked the wrong inn at this point. The man, who is called Strider, finds out their destination. Probably from Frodo's inane babble. Inane, completely inane. Against Pippins' better judgement, the next morning they went off with Strider to Rivendell, who said he knew the way.  
That night, passing through a bog, Strider killed a deer.  
"You killed a deer!" shouted Sam. "You didn't even have a license! Bad bad bad bad!"  
"Harvey doesn't like you killing innocent wildlife!" Merry shouted.  
Frodo was confused at all this yelling and began to cry. Pippin buried his head deeper in his arms and shuddered.  
When they were all asleep, except for Strider Frodo Merry Pippin Sam and Harvey, Strider started singing.  
"Twinkle twinkle little star  
how I wonder what you are.  
Up above the world so high  
Like a diamond in the sky.  
Twinkle twinkle little star  
how I wonder what you are."  
Giggles came from three sleeping bags. And then came a rousing chorus of  
"Harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph!!!" More giggles.  
Strider jumped up and screamed.  
"It's ok, Struamper," said Frodo. "It's just us!" A pitiful wail came from Pippin's bag.  
They made their way to Weathertop, where Strider threw some swords at them, and left them alone.  
"Oooh! Pretty swords! Can I have yours, Marogoffap?"  
"Harvey didn't get a sword!" whined Merry. "What about Harvey?" But Strider had already ran off, still screaming. Frodo dressed his sword up in his hankercheif, sang to it, and finally rocked it and himself to sleep. Pippin nodded off, dreaming about calculus. When he awoke, he found that Merry Sam and Frodo (and Harvey) had started a fire and set the place alight.  
"What have you done?!" shouted Pippin. He grabbed Frodo and proceeded to smother the blaze. But a scream pierced the air. "Has Strider come back with Harvey's sword?" said Merry.  
But Pippin knew better. What was down there were the big, black, bad things, returned from wherever. "Run!" he shouted, brandishing his sword. They ran, except Frodo, who just stood there staring and grinning. Pippin grabbed him and yanked him up the stairs. They stood there, whirling around. Pippin, who watched anxiously for danger, Merry, who was looking for Harvey who seemed to have chickened out, Sam who was looking for lunch, even though it was dinnertime, and Frodo who just spun, grinned and sang a little lalala song.  
"La la la  
lalala la la  
la la la al al al, oops,  
la la la lala."  
Then, the things burst through the wall. They had sticks, and they whacked Frodo, hard, on the shoulder. He started to cry.   
Sam jumped in the face of one of them and shook his finger. "You made Mr. Frodo cry! Bad bad bad bad!" The black things hung their dark heads and walked sadly away. Just then, Strider jumped in and started whacking things and setting things on fire. The black things ran away, sobbing fit to burst. Strider waved his arms around and did a funny victory dance. Frodo didn't giggle. He didn't even grin. He didn't even stop crying. Instead he cried louder. Sam was massaging his shoulder, like he thought he should. But that didn't help, so Sam started to cry too. Merry couldn't find Harvey, so he cried. Strider cried, because he discovered in chasing the bad guys that he broke a nail. Pippin cried because he was so smart it made everyone else look stupid.  
"WAH!" cried Strider. "I've gotta get to Rivendell so Elrond can fix my nail!" He started to run off without the hobbits, but suddenly turned around and did a double backflip. He waved his arms and grinned at the sobbing hobbits. A sword appeared at his neck and his grin disappeared.   
"You never said how you liked the new dŽcor, pal," said a decidedly feminine voice. Strider turned around. "Oh, uh, Arwen! Sphoomie Punkin' Poo! I didn't expect you!" But Arwen heard the sobbing and walked around him to look. She saw the most adorable little creatures imaginable. (And Frodo and Sam and Merry.) "OOOOHHH!!" she squealed, swooping Pippin up. "Isn't he DARRRRLING?" And she jumped onto her horse and carried the hobbit off.  
Pippin squirmed and wiggled, trying to tell her that Frodo was hurt and he needed elvish HEALING, but Arwen just snuggled him closer and ruffled his hair. "Koochie koochie kooooooooooowWAAAIIEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!" For the black things had come back, and were chasing them. Arwen let go the reins and covered her eyes. Pippin grabbed the reins and skillfully avoided the black things. They were across a ford. "Can I look?" said Arwen. Pippin waved his sword at the black things and they ran off. Then Arwen hugged him, but the hobbit fainted from the weight of his brains and collapsed and fell onto the ground and got dirty. Arwen, who was deathly afraid of dirt, ran off screaming.   
  
  
  
  
Frodo woke up in a bed. Even he thought this odd, since he had fallen asleep on the ground. He immedeately stopped thinking rationally and started playing with his toes, and singing a little lally trally tune.  
"Lally trally bally  
fally gally dally oally  
hally ally wally qually  
nally mally rally pally cally  
kally vally..."  
"SHUT UP!" came a voice close at his side. Frodo started to cry. Sam ran in shaking his finger. "You made Mr. Frodo cry! Bad bad bad bad!"  
"You shut up too, Samwise Gamgee!" said Gandalf. Elrond came in, and did some wierd things with his eyebrows. Frodo laughed. "Funny funny! Can I have them?" Elrond backed off, his eyes growing wide. "It's awake! Nooo!" and with a flurry of robes, he ran screaming. Merry and Pippin came in. "Harvey's glad you're awake!" said Merry, showering Frodo with half chewed apple. Pippin rolled his eyes. "Boy, it's a good thing I was here, or you wouldn't have survived Elrond's welcome! I mean, a parade maybe, but a firing squad and ticker tape is a bit much."  
Frodo grinned at Sam. Sam grinned at Frodo. Frodo waved his foot in front of Gandalf's face and the wizard grabbed it and flipped the hobbit out of bed. Frodo started to cry. Sam shook his finger furiously in Merry's face, since he was turned in the wrong direction. An elf entered the room. He looked around at every one and pouted. "Elrond wants a council," he whined. "I wanted a council but Eeeeelrond gets it. It's not FAIIIIRRR!!" He stomped his foot. "He wants you to be at the coooouncil," he points at the hobbits and Gandalf, which were all that was in the room except him. Frodo grinned at him. "My name's Froppooddo, what's yours?"  
Gandalf grabbed them all by the ears (he is a wizard after all) and runs to the council room. Elrond gurgles with pleasure. Strider, who was really Aragorn was there, and Legolas, and Boromir, and Gimli. (I won't waste time with boring introductions and stuff, you know who you're reading about.)  
"Who wants to go?" said Elrond crossing his eyes, arms and legs. Gandalf jumped up, and completely misunderstood him. "Ooh, me me me! I want to leave!"  
Everyone except Frodo Sam Merry and Elrond (and Harvey) jumped up and heartily agreed with him.  
"This place is awful!" said Legolas.  
"It smells of elves!" said Gimli looking around disdainfully.  
"Can I have the ring?" said Boromir. Frodo looked at him and grinned. He thought that he would like this man.  
"Ok, here's who's going to Mordor," said Elrond, standing on his head, which he did with all of his hard thinking. "Frodo, since he's got the ring, Gandalf, 'cause he's a wizard and 'cause he insulted me, Sam Merry and Pippin 'cause they're short, and Boromir Legolas and Gimli 'cause they are the only other people here." He fell over and got up.  
"Hey!" shouted the elf. "That is SOOOOO not FAIIIIRRR!!"  
"Nine companions," said Elrond, going all googly eyed.  
"Ten!" shouted Merry. "Don't forget Harvey!"  
"Ten companions," said Elrond, grinning and going all googly eyed, twirling a hula hoop. "And you shall be, doomed! Doomed! DOOOOOOOOOOMED!!! WAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
Pippin swallowed. Hard. Elrond was now dancing on his chair. The chair flipped over and he was cast over and behind a bush. The companions fled before he could get up. Except Frodo, Sam and Merry. They just sat there grinning. At a bush. Gandalf grabbed them all by the ears and they ran off, followed by Elrond screaming "LOOOOOSERRRRS!!  
"Hey, Galfnad?" said Frodo. "Where are we going?"  
"Harumph!" said the wizard. "We're going to Mordor, to destroy that ring your uncle gave you."  
Frodo thought for a bit. "Which uncle?"  
Gandalf gritted his teeth and rolled his eyes. "Your uncle Bilbo."  
"Ohhhh," said Frodo. Then a moment later, "We're going to destroy unlce Dimbo's ring, we're going to destroy ankle Philbin's ring, wait a minute! Pinkle Ulbo WANTED THAT RING! I FORGOT TO GIVE IT TO HIM!" He struggled in Gandalf's arms. "We've got to go back!" He burst out sobbing.  
"Harumph! Don't be silly. The ring is very bad. Didn't I tell you that it would eat you?"  
Frodo sniffed. "Bad, like Flam says?"  
"Yes," said Gandalf. "Like Sam says: Bad bad bad bad! Harumph, I don't know how I can live through this, mumble mumble grump harumph!"  
Sam wiggled and woke up. "Did I hear crying a moment or two ago?"  
Gandalf dropped all the hobbits and stalked to the head of the company.  
Frodo began to cry. Sam cried. Then, when the company ignored them, they got up to totter after them.  
"Come on Marfie," sobbed Frodo. But Merry didn't move. Frodo kicked him. Nothing. Frodo let out a wail and sat down again. Pippin noticed from afar that something was wrong and he made the company come back.  
"Now what?" grumped Strider.  
"Merry won't get up!" sobbed Sam.  
They all tried in vain for a while to get Merry up. Then Pippin noticed a rock very close by, and deduced logically that the hobbit must have hit his head against it and so was knocked unconcious. He dumped some water on the prostrate form, and it got up spluttering. "Yay!" shouted Frodo, grinning at Sam. Sam grinned back.  
"Where am I? What happened?" said Merry.  
"You got knocked cantaloupe!" said Sam.  
"Oh!" said Merry. "Is that all? Well, come on Merry! We've got a ways to go before dark." He put his arm around nothing and started walking off.  
Frodo didn't like this. He started to cry. "That's not Marpie! You're Pmalrie!"  
"Don't be silly! I'm Harvey!"  
"Oh no," chorused the sane members of the fellowship. (Well, partly sane anyway. You'll see.)  
Legolas flipped his hair back. "Who, may I ask, is Harvey?"  
"I am Harvey!" said Harvey/Merry. "And this is my friend Merry!" He gestured to nothing. "Oh there you are, Marhspie!" said Frodo, grinning.  
Gandalf rolled his eyes, and with an exsasperated yet eternally hounded 'harumph' whacked Harvey/Merry on the head with his staff. He collapsed. Everyone cheered. Frodo started to cry. "That sure was mean, Gaflandap!"  
They walked on, dragging the three senseless hobbits.  
"I will never understand mortals," said Legolas flipping his hair. It caught the sunlight, and shone. "Ooh," said Frodo. "Pretty pretty!" He grabbed the hair. "EEAAIIIEEEE!!" shrieked the elf. "GET HIS FILTHY HANDS OFF MY HAIR!!" He swung the hobbit around and around, until finally he was launched off. Legolas started to run after him, drawing his knife as he ran.  
"Harumph! Take it easy." said Gandalf. "You can't kill him. I had first dibs!" Sam started to cry. "You can't kill Mr. Frodo! Bad bad bad bad!" He shook his finger, but blinded by tears, he shook it at Legolas. The elf grabbed it and tossed the hobbit behind him.   
Frodo squealed. "Pallfam! You're flying! Teach me teach me!" Gandalf rolled his eyes. Pippin choked back a sob. 


	2. Frodo tries to rip Leggy to pieces, Arwe...

Chapter 2.  
Like it? Hate it? So what. I just wrote it to torture the poor poor fellowship...read if you dare, review if you like.  
  
  
Pippin sighed. The day was not going well. Legolas had found a split end and, though he had stopped screaming and flailing, was even now curled up in a ball sucking his thumb and whimpering. It had started out a fairly normal day, with only two or three stubbed toes, when Legolas, who was examining his hair boredly, (not that he thought examining his hair was ever boring) had suddenly let out a piercing screech.  
"AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!" (jumping and flailing)  
"What is it, Loaglaitabf?" said Frodo.  
"A SPLIT END! MY LIFE IS OOOOOOOOOOVERRRRRRRR!!!"   
Legolas suddenly jumped up. "I have it!" he said, a murderous look on his elfie face. "Harumph! What?" said Gandalf. Legolas walked over to Frodo, who was grinning off into space, and picked him up. "YOU. You caused a split end!" He was shaking violently. Frodo giggled. "You will DIE!" He started to whip out his dagger, until Gandalf threw his staff like a javelin and knocked Frodo out of the elf's grasp.   
Frodo rolled and rolled, squealing and giggling. Gimli and Boromir, who had never encountered hobbits before stared in incredulous disbelief. "Harumph! I missed," mumbled Gandalf. Frodo had snuck back up behind Legolas with a knife. With a swift move, he carved a chunk of hair off of the elf's head. Legolas whirled around. He saw the chunk of hair in the hobbit's hand as he waved it at the elf and grinned.  
"Look, Lavaloob, pretty pretty!" The hobbit placed the hair on top of his head and danced and laughed.   
"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!! NOOOOOOOO!!!" The elf fell to the ground and clawed the dirt. Then he looked up at the hobbit, and murder was in his eyes.  
"Ooh, shiny!" squealed Frodo. Legolas desperately tried to cover his eyes, but the hobbit had taken hold of his left eyelid.  
"AAAAHHHHHHH!!!" shrieked the elf. (Hee hee, this is more fun than I thought!)  
"Hey!" shouted Merry. "Harvey wants to play too!" He grabbed onto Frodo's feet. Sam grinned and grabbed Merry's feet. Gimli grabbed Sam's feet to try to pull him off. Boromir grabbed Gimli's feet. Soon the entire fellowship was hanging off of Legolas's eyelid, and pulling as hard as they could. Finally, Frodo's grip loosened, and everyone tumbled to the ground. Legolas's eyelid now drooped below his jawline, and he ran off screaming to soak it in the river.  
Frodo giggled and bounced on top of the pile of men. He was undisturbed for about half a second, then it exploded in a rush of fury (and stupidity).  
"Legolas sure is funny," said Merry rubbing the back of his head. "Harvey says that it's because he's an elf."  
Legolas came back. His eyelid was back to it's normal place, save that it twiched as he looked at Frodo. (Elf skin is very resiliant, I'm told.) The hobbit grinned and waved. He looked from the elf to Sam and back. Sam grinned at Frodo and Legolas. Legolas curled his lip and flared his nostrils and stalked to the edge of camp, as far away from the hobbits as may be.  
"What manner of creatures are these hobbits?" said Boromir to Gandalf, because instead of having brains he accented every single syllable.  
"Harumph! You've seen the jist of it," muttered the wizard.  
Legolas screamed. For just at that moment, Frodo, unnoticed because the elf was inspecting his face in his sword, had walked up to Legolas and had grabbed his hair again. The elf desperately cut the rest of his hair off and ran wailing. Frodo squealed. "Look, Plappin! Pretty hair!" he placed it on Pippin's head and laughed. Pippin shuddered, took the hair off, and put his arm around Frodo's shoulder.   
"Frodo, you know that elves are very proud of their physical appearance?" Frodo grinned. "And they are immortal?" He searched Frodo's eyes for some sign of recognition.  
Frodo grinned. "What?" he said. Pippin gritted his teeth. "They never die."  
Frodo's eyes as big as, well, big round blue things, widened. "Even after breakfast?"  
Pippin twitched. "Even after second breakfast." Frodo's jaw dropped. "Elevenses?" he whispered. Pippin shook his head, unable to speak. "Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper?!? Um, snack, second snack, uh..."   
"Never," croaked Pippin.   
"Wow!" said Frodo grinning. "I wanna be an elf! Make me an elf, Pappin!"  
"I can't do that, Frodo! I'm just a hobbit. ANYWAY, like I was saying, elves never die, and they are very proud of their looks. Which means, if you get them dirty, or in your case make them lose all their hair," he gestured at the whimpering Legolas, "They, oh drat. Never mind. You're hopeless." He walked off with his head in his hands. Frodo walked up to Legolas. The elf whimpered. "Noo..."  
"Hey, Logalurp, do you know that elves never die, even after breakfast?" Legolas edged away whimpering and crying softly.  
"Don't cry!" said Frodo, patting the elf. "I'll sing you Gapflak's favorite walking song!  
  
Harumphing we will go,  
harumphing we will go,  
hi ho the derry-o  
harumphing we will go.  
  
It's funny, isn't it? Let's all sing together! Hey, Sram! Pkoppin! Mooky! Want me to teach you the words, Lofalook? Hey, Garflan, Wimmy, Vorobir, Srtojer! We're going to sing a song!" He jumped up and down excitedly.  
"Ooh, does Harvey have a solo?" said Sam grinning.  
Gandalf harumphed and looked at his staff. He swung it several times like a baseball bat, and then sent Frodo about a mile back the way they had came. "Wheeeeeee!!"  
"Ooohh!" squealed Sam and Merry. "Me next! Me next!" Which was just what the wizard was hoping. The rest of the companions walked on in comparative peace for a while, until suddenly, three hobbits jumped up from behind a rock.  
"Harumph!" they shouted, then giggled uncontrollably. The fellowship walked on, accompanied by three voices chattering unceasingly.  
"Harvey, stop stepping on my foot..."  
"So then Flapm, Parpin says elves never eat breakfast when they die..."  
"Who made Legolas cry? Whoever did it is bad bad bad bad..."  
That night, camping, while the hobbits went to sleep, the rest stayed up talking after walking for about an hour away from them.  
"Hey Gimli, what do you want to be when you grow up?" said Boromir.  
Gimli stared at him. "What?"  
"Why is everyone staying so far away from me?" said Aragorn.  
"Harumph! Don't say far away, say 'upwind'." said Gandalf. "What are the chances of you taking a bath on this trip?"  
"About a googleplex to one," muttered Pippin. "Hey, where did Legolas go?"  
Meanwhile, at Isengard, the evil Saruman was sending his evil orcs on an evil mission.  
"Bring me Harvey, alive. You can eat the rest." He waved his evil hand. "Go on, then, but remember what I said!" He shook an evilly clawed finger at them. "Harvey is wise and terrible beyond comprehension, and he'll eat you if you kill him!"  
"Doi, ok boss. What's a Harvey?"  
  
Arwen is in Rivendell, daydreaming of Aragorn. Elrond walks up.  
"You don't really want to marry that loser, do you?" He pulls a jump rope out of nowhere and starts jumping.  
"Of course I do, daddy! I gave him my necklace, didn't I?"  
Elrond sighs. "And it's the only clean thing about him..." Draws a hopscotch pattern on the ground and they start competing.  
Arwen skips around. "Lalalala, lala, I'm getting maaaarrieeed, lala..."  
"Don't you want to go to the havens? It's green, and pretty, and no dirt...how you of all people could fall in love with the filthiest person on the face of the planet..." He falls over.  
"But he's gonna be the king of Gondor!"  
"Yes, I can see it now. All hail His Stinkiness! His Royal Reeks-To-High-Heaveness!" He pulls that hula hoop out and twirls it.  
"Ohh, daddEEEEEEE!!!" she pouts and goes to sit down.  
Elrond stands on his head. "If you marry him, you'll die you know."  
"What about breakfast?"  
Elrond's face grew unusually thoughtful. Unusually thoughtful, because he usually never thought. After a moment he realizes that it's an inside joke and resumes his morbid chatter.  
"Yep, you'll die, and rot, and get eaten by worms..."  
"Worms? WORMS?? Get outta my way! When's the next ship leaving?  
Elrond smirked. His plan had worked, for once. 


	3. Mercifully, it all ends and Gandalf fall...

The final chapter. Also the third chapter. I got sick of writing it, so I ended it rather abruptly.  
  
  
The Elf bent over the Hobbit. There was a wicked glint in his teeth and his eyes were bared evilly. His dagger glinted in the moonlight. "I'll get you, hobbit, you caused a split end and now you are going to..."  
Frodo opened his eyes. "What are you doing, Lobalurs? I've already been tucked in." His eyes as big as turkey platters fell upon the Elf's teeth. "Ooh, pretty! Can I have them?" He grabbed at them.   
"NNNOOOOO!!" shrieked Legolas pawing the air in front of him. But the hobbit had wrapped his legs around the Elf's chest and was tugging on the teeth as hard as he could.  
"HELFPH! HELFPH!" shouted Legolas. (Well, YOU try pronouncing the 'p' noise with a hobbit hanging onto YOUR teeth.) But as the hobbits had been abandoned to the wild, he was unheard for the moment. Sam and Merry woke up.  
"Ooh, fun!" squealed Merry. "Come on, Harvey!"  
"Preeeeetyyyy!" squealed Frodo. "Can I pleeeze have them?"  
Legolas bit the hobbit's fingers. Frodo screamed and dropped off, and started to cry.  
"You made Mr. Frodo cry!" shouted Sam. "Bad bad bad bad!" But Legolas was far and away, screaming at the top of his elf lungs, with Merry hanging off of his cloak.  
Then the bad dark things flew overhead and Frodo screamed. Sam jumped up and down, shaking his finger at them.  
The rest of the companions were sleeping, when a hurtling wailing thing flew past them, fading into the dark. "Erm, was the witch king destroyed already?" said Aragorn.  
"Harumph! That was no bad dark thing, that was an elf!"  
"What's the difference?" muttered Gimli.  
"He must have been pursued by a terrible nightmare!" said Boromir. "You know what that means?"   
"THE HOBBITS ARE AWAKE! AAAAAAHHHH!!" And they soon followed the elf. They soon caught up with the elf. They soon passed the elf. Save Pippin. He noticed that a hobbit was hanging onto Legolas, so he grabbed it and pulled it off of the elf.  
Oh yeah, and Gandalf. He fell down a hole, screaming "Harumph!".  
Pippin tripped and fell to the ground, with the hobbit on top of him.  
"Harvey fell in the hole!" Merry sobbed. "We've gotta save him!" Pippin looked to where the other members had run off and twiched.  
"Merry, Harvey isn't real. There is no such thing as a purple, much less six foot tall rabbit."  
Merry thought. "Oh."  
Saruman's evil orcs came up. "Hey, have you seen Harvey?"  
"There is no Harvey!" shouted Merry. "Oh," said the orcs. "I guess we get to eat you, then." The pulled out their forks.  
"We are Harvey!" shouted Pippin. "What? You make no sense!" said Merry.  
"We are Harvey," continued Pippin shutting Merry up.   
"Oh, let's take them to Saruman then." They picked the hobbits up and ran off.  
The other members of the fellowship ran screaming through Lorien, prompting Celeborn and Galadriel to send an army after them, led by Haldir. They came to Amon Hen, (Mt. Chicken), and more of Saruman's evil orcs come and kill Boromir. Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli freak out, and in doing so they forget which way the orcs left, so they accidentally follow them.  
They come to a hill, and men on horses surround them. They clutch each other and scream like little girls. And then I don't want to write about them anymore, so the men on horses capture them and throw them in the dungeon, and they were never clean again. No big deal.   
And Merry and Pippin are taken to Saruman, blah blah blah lived happily ever after, back to Frodo.  
Sam was still jumping up and down like the moron he was. The big black dark thing was scared and flew off.  
Frodo stopped crying. "Thanks, Laffm!"  
Then Frodo discovered that he had dropped the ring down a hole, so they went back to the Shire and lived happily ever after.  
The end. 


	4. Fro and Sam do some singing, and Gimli's...

Well, I decided that I really liked this story and I am reiviving it. :)  
  
  
  
  
Frodo Baggins was skipping cheerily towards his home, and singing.  
"La de da de da, la la la de da de doo, la, um, la, uh," and then he started crying. A familiar fellow with no talent came up.  
"Why are you crying? Whoever made you cry is bad bad bad bad!" he shouted.  
"I can't remember the words, Mas!" sobbed Frodo.  
"I'll teach you a new song!" said Sam grinning like a lunatic.  
"Can you bake a tater pie, silly boy silly boy,  
Can you bake a tater pie, silly nilly?  
I can bake a tater pie  
Fast as you can swat a fly  
I'm a wet thing and cannot eat a dryer.  
Do you like it? I made it up myself!" said Sam. Frodo laughed.  
"Funny!" he said clapping his hands. "Let's go tell Unkle Phumbo! Where is he?"  
Sam thought for many moments. "Rivendell!" he shouted. Frodo jumped. "Don't yell!" he sobbed.  
"I'm sorry!" said Sam, his grin fading. "I'm bad bad bad bad!" and with each 'bad' he hit himself on the head.  
"Doesn't that hurt?" Frodo hiccuped.   
"No, I don't feel it!" said Sam his grin returning. "Are we going to Rivendell, then?"  
"Yup!" said Frodo. "And guess what Sas, we're going to sing Flandalp's favorite song!"  
"Yay!" grinned Sam. And with that, the two hobbits joined hand in hand and skipped off, if they did miss a few steps.  
"Harumph harumph harumph harumph!" they sang gaily. "Hey," said Sam suddenly. "Isn't this where those bad bad bad bad things scared you?" Frodo thought for a moment and then started crying. "They were mean!" he sobbed clinging to Sam's arm. "You won't let them near me will you?"  
"No!" said Sam grinning. "I'll scare 'em off! I'll distract 'em! I'll say, hey you bad bad bad bad thing! Why did the chicken cross the road? And then while he's thinking, you sneak off and I'll yell 'Boo!' And then he'll run away! Isn't that smart of me?"  
"Wow, yes!" said Frodo. "I'll make a song about it!  
San is a smart fellow  
his liver is lily and his back is yellow  
will he like me and give me his marshmallow?  
And he eats candle tallow!  
He won't give me my pillow!  
Woah woah woah!   
Harumph harumph harumph!  
And, yeah. Do you like it Salm?"  
"I like it!" shouted Sam. "Let's tell it to Bilbo at Rivendell!"  
"Yeah!" said Frodo. "Iddle Phorbo will love it! But he'll like mine better."  
"No he won't! Mine's the best!" said Sam his grin fading.  
"He's my onkle!" said Frodo his lower lip quivering and tears forming in his horrendously sized eyes. Sam started bawling. Frodo sobbed. They sat down by the side of the road for a while, and then hugged each other.  
"I'm sorry!" they both wailed. Then the bad dark things returned once again, and the hobbits ran to the ferry.   
"Hey!" shouted Sam. "Why did the pizza cross the road?"  
"Um, we don't know," they said.  
"Boo!" said Sam. The bad dark things screamed and ran off.  
"It worked!" cried Frodo in glee. They grinned at each other for an hour or two before they finally figured how to work the raft and they got off on the other side.  
"My pants are still wet!" said Sam looking at them. "This water sure is wet!"  
"Yeah, my pants are even wet!" said Frodo. They grinned off and skipped off to Bree. It was dark, and they reached the gate and knocked.  
"Wobbley dee, hobbits are that thee?" said a head.  
Frodo giggled. "Hello, head! Hoobahley bee!"  
"Floobaley gee!" said Sam.  
"Come on inee!" said the head opening the gate. The hobbits waved and walked to the Prancing Pony. With no Pippin to stop them, they stared at the sign for several hours before they went inside.  
"We want a room!" said Frodo. "A big room, with a teddy bear, and a window, and, and, and a door!"  
"And a rug, and a bed, and food!" said Sam grinning.  
"Haven't I seen you before?" said Barliman.  
"Have we seen us before?" said Frodo to Sam.  
"Have us seen we before?" said Sam thoughtfully. "Do we get the food?"  
"Can I have your topiary?" said Frodo, though he didn't know what it was.  
"You can have a seat," said Barliman.  
"Wow, really? Really and truly and really and truly? And truly and really even?" gushed Frodo.  
They were sitting down and eating cheese. And throwing it around. Like juveniles. And infantiles, even. Yergh.  
"Maybe," said Sam. "Maybe Strider will appear in that corner if we look hard enough." They stared hard into the corner where Strider had sat just a short eight days ago.  
"Nope," said Frodo sadly. "I wonder If Labalos will come here soon?" he looked around. "Remember his pretty shiny hair?" He clapped for the memory.  
  
But Aragorn was stuck in the dungeon of the Rohirrim with an elf and a dwarf who were threatening to eat each other for the stress.  
"Hey, what do you want to be when you grow up?" said Gimli to Aragorn. Who then screamed and for the millionth time tried to climb the walls to get away from them.  
"My hair is ruined," said Legolas gazing at it glumly. "It's all that stupid hobbit's fault." His eyes burned with memory. A crunching sound came from Gimli's direction. Aragorn and Leggy looked to see Gimli chewing something.  
"What're you eating?" demanded Aragorn.  
"Rocks," replied Gimli.  
"That's it!" cried the man. "Gimli will eat our way out!"  
"Hurry up, shorty," said Legs. "We haven't much time!" 


	5. Gimli demonstrates dwarven masonry, and ...

"I'm eating as fast as I can!" groaned Gimli.  
"Well it's not fast enough!" said Leggy.  
"The guard's coming back!" said Aragorn, just as Gimli said "We're out!"  
"Quick, Leggy, distract him!" hissed the man.  
"What am I supposed to do?" spluttered the elf.  
"I don't know, think of something!" And with that, the man slipped out the hole.  
The guard knocked. "Everything alright in there?"  
"Uh, yeah!" shouted the elf.  
"And the man?"  
"Uh, yeah," said Leggy in a bit deeper voice.  
"And the dwarf?"  
Leggy gritted his teeth tried to sound deep and gravelly but all that came out was a squeak. The guard poked his head in the door, but Leggy stood in front of him to block his view.  
"Hey, do I feel a draft?"  
"No, no no no," said the elf. "It's the dwarf breathing in the dark, y'know."  
"Uh. Tell him that we could shoot him in the dark, and he wouldn't even know it!" The guard left, and Leggy crept out the hole.  
"How're we going to hide it?" he said looking at the hole.  
Gimli replied by barfing and blocking it.  
"EEW!" chorused Aragorn and Leggy.  
"It's a good thing you came out when you did, he would have exploded!" said Aragorn greenly.  
"Oh, I always get sick when I eat too many rocks," said the dwarf.  
"Always? Too many?" said the elf in disbelief.  
"Yes, it's a staple of the dwarvish diet! It puts hair on your face!" He made a muscle. "Not to mention making you hunky! Go me, whoo!" He did a little muscle dance, and he was always kept about ten feet from his companions from then on.  
"Chunky," muttered Leggy.  
"That's how I like 'em! Mom's chunky gravel soup, mm mm, she made the best!" Gimli rubbed his stomach, and from then on he was kept fifteen feet from his companions.  
"How do your teeth stand the strain?" wondered Aragorn.  
"Teeth?" said the dwarf with a blank look on his face.  
"Let's get on," said Aragorn quickly, "Or we'll be discovered." He and the elf jogged ahead while the dwarf plodded behind them.  
"Hey, look what I found! Granite, my favorite!" The man and the elf started running flat out, and Gimli had quite a time to even keep them in sight. (It's hard to eat and run, too.)  
  
Frodo was still jabbering about Leggy's hair. "...And it was soft, and smooth, and shiny, and pretty, I wish Larbaloff was here," he sniffed. Sam grinned. "Maybe he'll be here soon!" Behind them, the doors suddenly burst open and there was a shout.  
"Eglovas!" shouted Fro.  
"Strider!" shouted Sam.  
"Sam!" shouted Merry.  
"Fro!" shouted Pippin.  
"Merry, Pippin!" shouted Sam.  
"Mippin, Perry!" shouted Fro.  
"Shut up!" shouted Saruman waving his evil arms about.  
"Where? Did he come too?" said Fro looking eagerly around.  
Sam looked too. "There he is!" he said pointing at some random man.  
"I am taking this inn as my prisoner!" shouted Saruman summoning his evil orcs with the wave of an evil hand. "You are all my hostages!"  
"Ooh, do we get pies?" said Fro.  
"Blueberry?" said Sam grinning.  
"You can't eat blueberry pies, Sam, you stain your clothes!" said Pippin exasperatedly.  
"Harv-I mean us will eat the pies! I eat neat! Hey, that rhymes. Hee hee, I eat peat meat real neat!" Merry giggled.  
"Shut up!" said Saruman.  
"Where?" said Fro.  
"What?" said Sam who had fallen asleep.  
"Who?" said Merry who had not been listening but trying to think of more rhymes.  
"When?" said Pippin. "As in, when do we leave?"  
Saruman tore at his evil beard with his evil hands. 


	6. The Three Hunters run really fast, and S...

I don't own nuttin'. Pretty please review?  
  
  
Aragorn, Legolas and eventually Gimli came to Bree that evening. (Oh, go ahead and yell! I don't care!)  
"Mm, slate! With tuna it makes a yummy sandwich! Ooh, magma! Anyone have whipped cream? My aunt Flimbly made some lovely..."  
"Gubbly hem," said the head at the gate. "Hobbits, is you them?"  
"No!" said Aragorn. "We are a man, an elf, and a dwarf! We want to go to the Prancing Pony!"  
"Hmm I see," said the head opening the gate. "Welcome to Bree!"  
"Be ready to flee," advised Aragorn.   
"You talkin' to me?" said Legolas.  
"Hey, dirt!" said Gimli. (Hey, it's the best I could think of...)  
As they made their way down the street, with the man and the elf desperately trying to lose the dwarf, the sign of the Prancing Pony gleamed whitely in the dark.  
"Ooh, can I ride the pony?" said Gimli. "Ooh, cobblestone! Crunchy, munchy..." Just then, a song came loudly from inside.  
"Yipee, skipee whipee  
hapee, yappy whappy  
nappy nappy nap time!   
Harumph harumph harumph!" and the sound of one clear voice laughing merrily. (I won't stretch the point with the sound of grinning.)  
The companions looked at each other.  
"Do you think," Legolas began.  
"Nope," Gimli finished. "I don't." All of a sudden, dark shapes burst out of the alleyway.  
"Doi, ya tink we should take them to da boss?" said one.  
All of a sudden, an evil sounding voice screamed from within. "HARVEY! MAKE THEM STOP!"  
"Hobbits!" cried the companions in mad terror. They fought valiantly, I will say, but in the end they were dragged inside.  
"Doi, boss, we got some tings for ya," the orcs said.  
The man in white raised his evil head showing evil bloodshot eyes. "Good work, men." A cry came from a huddle of men in a corner.  
"Larvoglas!!" it shrieked.  
"NOOO!!" screamed Leggy, trying to run.  
"Smam, it's Valrlolas! Let's tell him the song you wrote! He'll love it!" cried Fro.  
"Can you eat a 'mater pie, frilly boy, frilly boy," started a soft voice.  
"Enough!" roared the evil Saruman waving his evil arms about. "Harvey!" Merry and Pippin came up. "Harvey, dispatch with these new prisoners!"  
"I can't get near," gasped Pippin. "The stench, oh the stench is burning my eyes!" He collapsed coughing and retching.  
"Sarmrmam! Help Pallin! He's choking!" wailed Frodo starting to cry.  
Sam shook his finger at no one in particular and shouted "Bad bad bad bad!"   
"Shut up!" shouted Saruman. "Stupid hobbits!"  
"Now you see what we went through," said Aragorn. There came a noise outside the door and a white figure burst in.  
"Harumph!" he cried grandly. "Have at you, you sorry excuse for a man!"  
"Garlfan!" cried Fro gleefully. "Yipee!" Sam grinned. "You aren't dirty anymore!" cried Merry. Pippin rolled his eyes. "Well he obviously had to take a bath, something I could mention to certain people," he said glaring at Aragorn.  
"Flargap, did you bring us lunch?" squealed Fro. "And pies?" said Sam.  
"Harvey wants lunch too!" said Merry.  
"There is no Harvey!" said Pippin.  
"I thought you said that you were Harvey!" said Saruman.  
"Harumph! Harvey is no match for Gandalf the White!"  
"You can't be white, I am white!" cried Saruman. "You're off white! You obviously didn't use Clorox bleach. Mama keeps things white as the new day, 'cuz Mama's got the magic of clorox!" he sang evilly.  
"Zoom zoom zoom!" sang Gandalf. "If you're going to get into annoying commercial jingles you're no match for me!"  
"Oh yeah? You deserve a break today," Saruman bellowed.  
"No! Stop! Mercy! Harumph!" wailed Gandalf stopping his ears.  
"At MdConduls," sang Fro. "Eat the yummy Flopper, and the tacos, 'cuz they're yummy! I love Floppers! Don't you Span?" Sam grinned. "Yup!" 


	7. Um, I've forgotten already, but I do kno...

*sigh* so few reviews, so few...  
  
  
  
  
After singing Gandalf into submission, Saruman tied the eight up in a corner.  
"That'll teach you," he said waving an evil finger at them.  
"A b e d f i p, q l s q..." sang Fro gaily until Saruman whacked his head with a breadstick. The hobbit started to cry. "That sure was mean!" he sobbed. Sam scowled and wiggled his arm. "Bad bad bad bad!" he said. "You made Mr. Frodo cry!"  
"Well nya nya nya!" said Saruman sticking out his evil tongue. "Buuuuuuuummer! I have to go now, have fun with my orcs!" and with that, he waved evilly and flounced evilly out the door.   
"What do we do now?" said Aragorn. "Oh, Gimli! You can eat through the rope!"  
"Are you kidding? That's disgusting! Yuck, Aragorn!" said the dwarf making a face. There came a shriek from Legolas. Apparently Frodo had been tied up directly next to him and was trying to lick his hair.  
"It's shiny and pretty and tasty!" he said. "Can I have your hair, Ogllavas?"  
"NOOOO!!" shrieked the elf. "HELLLLP!"  
"Oh, if only Harvey could get his hand free!" said Merry. "He could save us!"  
Pippin ground his teeth. "There is no Harvey," he said.  
"Hey, orcs!" shouted Sam. The orcs gathered around. "Doi, what?" they said.  
"Why did the cheese cross the road?" said Sam. "Ooh, I know this one!" said Fro leaving off of chewing Leggy's hair. "Boo!" Sam and Fro shouted. The orcs shrieked in terror and huddled in a corner opposite.  
"Harumph!" said Gandalf in pure unadulterated recognition. "Untie us, or we'll say 'boo' again!"  
"Doi, no please, anytink but dat!" wailed the orcs.   
"Boo!" chorused the eight, except Fro, who forgot what they were doing and started to cry. The orcs hastily cut the ropes and ran screaming into the night.  
"Bad bad bad bad!" said Sam shaking his finger at the door. "You made Mr. Frodo cry!"   
  
Arwen stomped through the hallways until she found the room she was looking for.  
"DadEEEEEEEEE!" she screeched. "There was TOO dirt there!" and she burst out sobbing. Elrond looked up from Twister long enough to fall over.  
"What, you didn't like it there?" he said balancing a ball on his nose.  
"No!" shouted his daughter whacking it. The ball crashed into a bookshelf and knocked it over. Elrond blinked and stopped twirling the hula hoop.  
"You really didn't like it that much, huh?" he said pulling out a rubber ball and a handfull of jacks.  
Arwen sniffed. Elrond concentrated fiercly on his game. Arwen sniffed harder. Elrond crawled under his desk to try to get the rubber ball that had bounced off. Arwen sniffed so hard she practically turned her face inside out. "Your face is going to stay like that," warned Elrond's muffled voice. Arwen stuck her tongue out.  
"WHAT WAS THAT?" shrieked Elrond. Arwen covered her mouth. "TELL ME RIGHT THIS MINUTE THAT YOU DID NOT GET YOUR TONGUE PIERCED!!" he shouted.   
"Well it was buy one get two free piercings!" she said. Elrond screamed like a girl and fainted. 


	8. Gandalf kills Harvey and Leggy has blueb...

Well well, here I go again, hoom hom, hmm. I don't own Tolkien's superb characters. Have I mentioned that? Well, I don't. Ok? Satisfied? Good.  
The remaining Fellowship were now free and walking down the road.  
"Harvey wants to know where we're going, and I do too!" said Merry. Gandalf gritted his teeth.  
"Harumph! If you ask me one more time, I'm going to get very angry at you!"  
"Oh, I'll ask for you Amry! Where are we going, Palrfaldf?" said Frodo grinning up at the wizard.  
"I don't know!!" screamed Gandalf plugging his ears and chanting "Harumph harumph harumph!"  
"Harumph harumph harumph!" sang Frodo in his clear little hobbit voice.  
"Harumph!" joined in Sam grinning.  
"Harumph harumph harumph!" chimed in Merry.  
"Harumph harumph haru-" the three sang, but Gandalf whacked them on the head with his staff and screamed for them to stop.  
"That hurt!" sobbed Frodo. Sam shook his finger at the wizard. "Bad bad bad bad!" he said angrily.  
"Harvey, are you alright? Harvey? You killed Harvey!" screamed Merry wildly. "He isn't breathing! Someone help him!"  
"Oh, harumph!" said Gandalf.  
"Strider, do you know mouth to mouth recucitation?" gasped Merry.  
"Eew, no!" said Aragorn.  
"Someone help!" sobbed Merry.  
"I'll help!" shouted Sam heroically. He starting kissing the dirt, or so it looked to anyone who didn't know any better, after each breath stopping to say "Is he alive yet?".  
"No! Keep going!" Merry panted. "Don't die, Harvey, I love you! You're my bestest friend in the whole world!"  
Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas, and Pippin were staring stupified at the hobbits.  
"You can save him, Plams!" sobbed Frodo. "I know you can!" Merry fell to the ground.  
"It's too late! He's dead! Nooo!" He sobbed wildly. Sam and Frodo immediately did the same.  
"What have I done to deserve this?" wailed Gandalf.   
"You killed Harvey!" sobbed Merry pointing at Gandalf.  
"Bad bad bad bad!" shouted Sam shaking his finger and neglecting to wipe the dirt off his face. Just then, a breeze blew a leaf across the path.  
"Look!" cried Frodo.  
"Harvey!" cried Merry. "Oh Harvey, you're alive!" He rushed over with his arms outstretched and seemed to hug the air.  
"HAAAAAAAAARUUUUUUUMMMMMMPH!" screamed Gandalf, and ran off ahead.  
"Wait for me!" shouted Aragorn Gimli and Pippin. Frodo was hugging Legolas's legs so he could only tiptoe.  
"Help help!" shouted the elf.  
"I'm so happy Harvley is alive! Aren't you, Delfoags?" Fro said.  
"Noo!" sobbed the elf.  
"Hey, you aren't eating breakfast!" cried the hobbit, his lower lip starting to wobble. "You're dead! Pamrly, Jams! Lavldabos is dead! Save him!"  
"I'll save you!" shouted Sam.  
"Jam?" said Merry. "Is it blueberry?"  
"Legolas has blueberry jam!" shouted Sam gleefully.  
"Yummy, will you share?" said Frodo grinning up at the elf.  
"AAAAAARRRGHHHHHHHH!" 


	9. Arwen is a punk, and Fro and Sam are att...

Well, here I go again.   
Wingtontummy, 'distorted' is a perfectly applicable word. :)  
Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli and Pippin staggered into Rivendell.  
"Hello!" cried Elrond twirling a hula hoop. "Did you come back for the pies?"  
"Ooh, is that bridge made of granite?" said Gimli.  
"There are hobbits, back the road, they've got Legolas!" gasped Gandalf.  
"I'll send a troop of elves to save him!" cried Elrond jumping rope.  
"According to my calculations, you'll need more than twenty to make a difference! You haven't seen what Frodo can do!" said Pippin. "He's dangerous!"  
So, twenty one elves trooped off. Elrond took Aragorn aside.  
"So," he said still skipping. "Arwen's back from the havens."  
"She left?" said Aragorn. Elrond tripped on his robe and got back up again.  
"Don't be surprised if she's changed a bit."  
"When was the last time I was surprised?"  
"Agate!" screamed Gimli.  
"ARGH!" shouted Aragorn jumping four feet in the air.  
"Two seconds ago," said Elrond starting to play hackysack.  
"Daddy," whined Arwen coming up.   
"Tell your fiance what you did," said Elrond sternly. Well, as sternly as he could without dropping his ball.  
"I didn't do anything!" she whined.   
"She got her tongue pierced!" said Elrond trying to twirl a hula hoop on his head.  
"Well, it was buy two get one free, so I got six," she whined again. Elrond and Aragorn gasped. Elrond dropped his ball, his hula hoop, screamed like a girl and fainted. Aragorn stared dumbly.  
"I don't want to know," he whispered before fainting dead away. Arwen shrugged and walked off.  
Just at that moment, the elven troupe came back. Staggering.  
"Run," wheezed one, "They are coming," this before he passed out. But, he didn't notice that no one was there to listen. He might have noticed that the only two people there were laid flat on the floor, but you must understand that they had suffered horribly at the hands of Frodo.   
  
~*~*~*~*~flashback~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Ovlabos, I just love your hair! It's so pretty and shiny!" said Frodo stroking it.  
"NOOO!!" screamed Leggy.   
"Look!" cried Sam pointing down the road. Frodo looked up and his eyes as big as hubcaps widened impossibly large. For there coming down the road were more than three (neither Fro or Sam can count higher) elves, all with very shiny hair and shinier armor. (Also, Leggy had fainted from shock, heh heh.)  
"Ooohhh!" said Frodo. "Pretty pretty pretty!" He left Leggy and toddled towards the troupe with his arms outstretched.  
"What's the big deal?" said the head elf to his aide. "It's so small!" He got ready to swoop him up, but the hobbit had latched onto his leg.  
"Pretty armor!" he said petting it. "Can I have it?"  
"Uh, no," he said. "Now little halfling, you are coming with me!"  
Frodo grinned up at him. "My name's Roffdo, what's yours?"  
"Er, Erestor," said the elf trying to untwine the hobbit's fingers from his leg.  
"Ooh, where are we going?" said Fro.  
"Are there pies?" said Sam grinning.  
"Ooh, Sroam! Sing that song! Dsoreror will love it! I know you will!" he again turned his appallingly sized eyes upwards towards the elf's face.  
"Why did the tree cross the road?" said Sam.  
"I know I know! Boo!" shouted Frodo gleefully.  
"ARGH!" shouted a good many of the elves fleeing for their lives back towards Rivendell.  
Fro and Sam were giggling and grinning for all they were worth.  
"Where are we going, Staroaree?" said Fro again.   
"We are going to Rivendell," said Erestor.  
"Oooooooooh!" said the hobbits, visibly impressed, though doubtless because of the length and complexity of the name that was just spewed forth from the lips of the very tall and shiny elf in front of them. 


	10. Erestor sings and Frodo & Sam will stop ...

Hey, this is the story with the next-to-most chapters! Not quite the longest, the Funniship has that honor, nor the most reviews, the Nose Knows which story does. Does anyone think this is even remotely funny? Please tell me what you think of it!   
I know hobbits give away presents on their birthday, which is why Bilbo left the Shire. Because of the lousy present situation. It's a dictatorship under the evil Thain. *nodnod*  
I like these sappy little songs. That's why there are so many in my stories. People are afraid of them. *nodnod* Someone said so in my Elfshare story. *nodnod*  
"La la la, la la, al al, oops, la la la la!" sang Frodo happily, as he and Sam were gripping Erestor's legs as he tip-toed towards Rivendell.  
"That is a very interesting song, Frodo, what do you call it?" said the elf.  
"It's my lala song!" said Frodo grinning up at him. "Do you like it?"  
"It's alright, for a mortal. I could sing a better one."  
"I think it's pretty," said Frodo his lower lip wobbling.  
"Don't make Frodo cry! Bad bad bad bad!" said Sam waking up at that moment.  
  
"Pretty shiny stars in the sky  
makes me wonder why  
you are up so high  
I wish I could fly  
but I have other fish to fry," sang the elf  
  
"Ooohhh," said Frodo. "Pretty pretty! You can sing it to Pamdkle Armvo when we get to Rvoakndell! He'll love it" He looked up at the stars which were just disappearing into the dawn. "Can you get me a star, Thestorester?"  
"No, I can't. I heard once that Galadriel gave a star away once."  
Fro's eyes widened immeasurably, but "ooh!" was all he could say.  
"A star in a glass, that was what it was."  
"Ohh! A drinking glass?"  
"No, a little glass thing with a stopper."  
"A stop her? Who stopped her? Who did she give it to?" Frodo tugged earnestly at Erestor's leg.  
"Someone stopped who?" said Sam.  
"Someone stopped Alagradelel from giving a glass of water to a star!" said Frodo his lower lip wobbling. "Sernreror said so!"  
"I bet it was Gandalf! He's been very bad bad bad bad lately," said Sam setting his face resolutely.  
"Nooo! Not Garflan!" wailed Fro, "He's my favoritest person in the whole wide world, besides you, Som."  
"Thanks!" said Sam grinning. Frodo grinned back. Sam grinned back back. Fro grinned back back back. Sam grinned back back back back. I think you get the picture.  
"Where are we going, Hestor?" said Frodo.  
"Rivendell, I told you."  
"Oohhhh, who's going to be there?"  
"Oh, Elrond, Arwen, Aragorn, Pippin, Merry," started the elf.  
"And Harvey?" shrieked Fro. "Don't forget Harvey!"  
"I don't believe I've met Harvey. Or maybe it's Yarfeh?" he muttered this last part.  
"Harvey's Mafors' friend! He's an invisible rabbit!"  
"And he's purple and spotted," said Sam.   
"Purple spots? Did Harvey eat pies, Yams?"  
"Ooh, pies? Were they blueberry?"  
"We're going to get blueberry pies in Rorfindill!" squealed Fro. "Yipeee!" Erestor blinked several times in rapid succession before lying down beside the road "To get some rest". 


End file.
